Ibm Jokes / Recent Jokes

If IBM made toasters. ..
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters. ..
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters. ..
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If Xerox more...

If IBM made toasters. .. They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Microsoft made toasters. .. Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters. .. It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. If Xerox made toasters. .. You could more...

Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms

IBM

I Blame Microsoft
Idiots Buy Me
Idiots Building Machines
I`ll Buy Macintoshes
It Bit Me
It Built Microsoft
It`s Better Manually
I`ve Been Mislead
I`ve Been Mugged

WINDOWS

Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed
When I Need Data Output Without Speed
While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

WIN

Whoppingly Immense NOP
Worm Infestation Netware
MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT
My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology
Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan

Different Operating Systems Expectations

Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get
MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It
UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno
VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or more...

' Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates...'

'Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?'

'It's tiiiiime...'

'Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he'll wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in the third-floor kitchen again, and...'

'Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not to mention the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention Steve Jobs' head on a platter.'

'Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I...'

'Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me.'

'Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan...'

'Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You're the richest man in the world! You've got a beautiful wife and daughter! Microsoft is the most powerful company on the planet! We're even using NT to run hell's WAN server! And frankly, it sucks. That's one of the reasons I've more...

REDMOND, WASHINGTON - In an effort to dispell confusion surrounding Microsoft's upcoming new version of Windows, Microsoft annouced today that it would rename the upgrade - formerly known as Windows 95 - to WinEver.
"There seemed to be a great deal of anxiety about when the product would ship. We felt it was in the best interest of our users to free them from this anxiety," said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain anonymous.
Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision. "WinEver will free Windows users from space and time constraints. It also gives Windows a new timeless quality", said a member of Ziff-Davis Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why OS/2 is failing in the marketplace - they have failed to deliver a strategy for their product."
When asked when WinEver would be available, a Microsoft spokesperson said "Whenever." The spokesperson added "It really doesn't matter since WinEver is more...

The DP manager died, went to heaven, and had to admit his profession.
St. Peter immediately sent him down to Hell. ..
"Welcome," said the Duty Devil. "You have a choice of three Hells: an
IBM hell, a Unisys hell, and an ICL hell."
"What's the difference?" asked the cautious DP manager.
"Well," said the duty devil, "The IBM hell is 22 hours a day of trying
to compile a JCL pack for a 1401 program still running 25 years on,
under emulation on a 3990, followed by two hours of being nailed to a
cross and pelted with coal by IBM salesmen."
"The Unisys hell is 22 hours a day trying to understand communications
protocols based on a thinly disguised 1960s Exec 8 manual, followed by
two hours of being nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by Unisys
salesmen."
"The ICL hell is 22 hours a day of trying to convert a George 3 program
to run under ICLs current OS, more...