Howard Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Presidential election

    Hot 6 years ago

    Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.
    Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"

    Guilty

    Hot 3 years ago

    Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But, every once in a while, he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him:
    "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, and you won't be the last".
    But invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Howard, you're a veterinarian".

    Excuses

    Hot 6 years ago

    1991 - A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him "highly intoxicated," the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling" because of the trauma of the accident.
    1992 - Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S.D., in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: "I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had."
    1993 - Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James Heard had a 0.26 more...

    Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.
    1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.
    2. How many seconds are in a year?
    3. What is God's first name?
    Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, 1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two-first names and they are Andy and Howard."
    Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
    Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,...""OK, I give in" said Saint Peter, but what about the God's more...

    Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
    "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
    "Yeth." lisped the farmer.
    Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

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