Hark Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hark! The Streptococcus Brings
(Melody: "Hark! The Herald = Angels Sing")
Hark! the Streptococcus brings
Strep sore throat to all who sing,
Chloraseptic doesn't cure it
Other people's sneezing lures it.
If the strep bug has a virus
Scarlet fever then arises,
Cross reaction with the heart
Causes it to come apart,
Hark! the Streptococcus totes,
Toxin and fire to all it smotes.
Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,
Mucus fills the lungs with sleaze
A viscous greenish oozing cloak,
That causes you to gasp and choke
Without water you can drown
If you breathe the strep germ down
Hark! The Streptococcus breeds
The misery of a bad disease
Of fecal strep in food beware,
Methane gas befouls the air,
Speedily you drop your pants
As if they held live fire ants
On the toilet you are dying
Bent in pain, guts liquefying
Hail! the Streptococcus means
Glory to those who would be lean

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:
"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."
Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:
"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.
"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"
"Yes he does," answered the salesman.
"If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'"
"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately.
That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.
"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife.
The man smiled and said, "Watch this."
Then he lit a match and put it under the bird's right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The more...

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.
"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"
"Yes he does," answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'"
"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.
"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this."
Then he lit a match and put it under the bird's right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels more...

An aggie, one of the elderly types, proceeded to try out
for a part in a local College Station play. Sympathizing
with his zeal for the part, the cast director agreed to
include him in it, but under two conditions, he'd better do
a heck of good job, and he would only get one line in the
entire play: "Hark! the cannon just fired!"
So the elderly aggie goes home, brags to all his friends about it,
and continually yells:
"Hark! the cannon just fired!"
"Hark! the cannon just fired!"
Finally on the night of the performace, during the highlight of
the play, the booming sound of a menacing cannon shakes the
entire theatre, the audience, in complete awe and silence...
At the top of his lungs the aggie shouts:
"What the hell was that?!"