Hark Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:
    "Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."
    Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:
    "Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"

    A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.
    ''It's beautiful!'' cried the man, ''Does he do any tricks?''
    ''Yes he does,'' answered the salesman. ''If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'''
    ''Amazing!'' exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.
    ''Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know know any tricks?'' asked the wife. The man smiled and said, ''Watch this.'' Then he lit a match and put it under the birds right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'
    ''That's incredible! Does he do anything more...

    Hark the bar room voices sing
    Out of tune and everything
    Christmas time and lets go wild
    Make the persian gulf look mild
    Let's get drunk and all fall down
    Take the car and speed thru town
    Wrap yourself around a pole
    Put your family on the dole
    Hark the bar room voices scream
    Pass the jug of irish cream
    Get up early christmas dawn
    Yawn the technicolor yawn
    Kids are howling with delight
    You were out too late last night
    Even smiling hurts your head
    Open gifts, go back to bed
    Hark the bar room voices bark
    Where's the jug of cutty sark
    Christmas comes home once a year
    Don't you think you should be there
    People love you, don't be jerky
    Go home, eat some christmas turkey
    Hug someone and then you say
    Have a happy holiday

    Hark! The Streptococcus Brings
    (Melody: "Hark! The Herald = Angels Sing")
    Hark! the Streptococcus brings
    Strep sore throat to all who sing,
    Chloraseptic doesn't cure it
    Other people's sneezing lures it.
    If the strep bug has a virus
    Scarlet fever then arises,
    Cross reaction with the heart
    Causes it to come apart,
    Hark! the Streptococcus totes,
    Toxin and fire to all it smotes.
    Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,
    Mucus fills the lungs with sleaze
    A viscous greenish oozing cloak,
    That causes you to gasp and choke
    Without water you can drown
    If you breathe the strep germ down
    Hark! The Streptococcus breeds
    The misery of a bad disease
    Of fecal strep in food beware,
    Methane gas befouls the air,
    Speedily you drop your pants
    As if they held live fire ants
    On the toilet you are dying
    Bent in pain, guts liquefying
    Hail! the Streptococcus means
    Glory to those who would be lean

    Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare." Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"

  • Recent Activity