Hang Jokes / Recent Jokes
Thank you for calling “Heaven’s Gates” – your multi-church, multi-denominational hotline.
If you are a Methodist, please press "1" and your call will be transferred to the nearest potluck.
Catholics, please go to the altar and have the priest press "2" for you.
If you are Pentecostal, press "3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-Hallelujah!" and throw the phone onto the ground
Presbyterians, please form a committee. If there’s a quorum present and a 2/3 majority vote in favor of the motion, please press 4.
Lutherans, please press whatever number you wish, because, after all, you are the ONLY ones who use this line.
For the Amish, please walk to the nearest Mennonite and have them press "5".
Jehovah's Witnesses, please consult the secondary manual then press "5-6-6-2-5" – or “K-N-O-C-K” before 9pm.
If you are Jewish, and it is not a holiday, please press "7"
If you are Jewish, and more...
I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying
Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan. Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave him a message.
You would be able to hang over 64, 000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.
Wifespeak/Translation
You want: You want
We need: I want
It's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want: You'll pay for this later
We need to talk: I need to complain
Sure...go ahead: I don't want you to.
I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting!: I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.
I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper....
I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me?: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?: I did something today more...
Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below.He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other and says "What kinda bird you reckon that was?"The other hunter replies "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it."How's that?""You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?
You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...