Girlfriend Jokes / Recent Jokes

There's an Italian, Frechman and an Irishman.
The Italian says, "When I've a finshed makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Irishman says, "That's nothing. When I've finished shaggin me bird, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me knob on the curtain. She hits the fucking roof !!!"

Her: But, I love you..
Me: You don't know how to love...
Her: Yes I do...!
Me: Really, please explain...
Her: I want to share everything with you... My deepest secrets...
Me: What? Your Cervix?
Her: Fuck you!
Me: Exactly!

A guy took his Newfie girlfriend to her very first football game. After the game, he asked her how she enjoyed it.
"I did enjoy it, but I still can't understand why they were trying to kill each other for 25 cents."
"What are you talking about?" he asked her.
"All I kept hearing everyone yell was, 'Get the quarter back!'" she replied.

How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids? When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you?.up the arse with her clitoris.

How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat? When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for more...

1. Why did God create woman?
-To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
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2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
-The swallow.
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3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
-Call her.
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4. Why do women fake orgasms?
-Because they think men care.
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5. What is the definition of "making love"
-Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
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6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
-Slow down and use a lubricant.
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7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
- Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your [w]HOLE weak.
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8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
-None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
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9. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B. S. E?
-One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural more...