Fast Jokes / Recent Jokes

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up to an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later, the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called every day for more...

One day two men walked into the bar. Both men were exactly alike, a clone you could say. They both sat down for the bartender to fix them a drink. The first man sat down, waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When it was given to him he drunk it very fast, left, and had a happy life. The next man sat down, and waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When the drink was given to him he drunk it very slowly, and died right there on the spot. Why did the first man live but the second man die?
Answer: The bartender placed a poison in both of the drinks. The trick is, the poison was in the ice. So, the first man drank the drink so fast that the ice didn't melt, so the poison did not get in his drink. The second man drank the drink way to slow, so the ice had time to melt out into the drink. The poison got into his drink and he died.

The trouble with talking too fast is, you may say something you haven't thought of yet.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

>> Freddie Bloor
>> --------------
>>
>> Now this is the tale of young Freddie Bloor,
>> whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
>> By the time they freed him he didn't feel well
>> for his private parts were mangled to hell.
>>
>> They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew
>> but when they arrived there was nowt they could do.
>> What a sad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
>> to a life with no sex and a high squeaky voice.
>>
>> But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool
>> some bright spark suggested a bionic tool.
>> A bright new electric one made out of brass,
>> though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.
>>
>> So newly equipped and after a rest,
>> Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test.
>> So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
>> he piled her with drink and made her feel randy.
>>
>> The girl without waiting, put more...

"Step on 'er, boy! Yer only goin' 90."
"You can make it easy... that train's not coming fast."
"Gimme a match... I think my gas tank's empty."
"There's plenty of life left in those tires."
"No, we'll tune up the car in the garage so we can close the door and stay warm; the engine won't be running long."
"There's never any traffic at this intersection."
"No, truckers don't mind when you pass on the right (or tailgate to draft and save gas)."
"Don't go to a welding shop! I can fix that leak in your gas tank with my torch."
"Of course I can dial numbers and talk on my cell phone at the same time."
"No, no, all bungee cords look a little frayed."
"Motorcycles are supposed to wobble in turns."
"You don't need ski lessons; just follow me."
"Green means go, red means stop, yellow means go... very fast." more...

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

"I haven't got any money!"