Elderly Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about20' behind her and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart"?. No reply. Moved to 10' and inquired again. No reply. 5' and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey"? His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice."Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?""Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone""Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?""Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

The Missing Toupee! On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him."Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it.I thought I'd found it more...

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by anddeposits a poopy little present on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"
She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.
"You're right sir I think I will report him."
The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch.""But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist said."I know," she replied. "But if I should die before my husband, I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"