Ducks Jokes / Recent Jokes

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"Hello, I'm Mike Walrus, and this is 60 Seconds"

"We're here in Hong Kong to bring you a story that may shock and horrify some viewers. This city is a beehive of industry and activity, a monument to free enterprise and commerce, but behind these shops and warehouses, hidden from public view, is the sordid story of a condiment gone terribly wrong.

"I'm talking about duck sauce. You've probably seen or tried it before, those little orange packets tossed in with your Chinese take-out meals. But look closely at them...those little floating bits aren't apricot...they're real duck.

"Yes, it's a tragic tale of waterfowl laid waste, an underground industry that reaps millions of export dollars and is depleting the duck population all around the South China Sea.

"We tracked several shipments of duck sauce to a clandestine factory here, operating under the name more...

This guy walks into a bar. He is carrying three ducks and he places them
on the bar. He has a few drinks with his mate and then has to go to the
toilet. The other guy is left with the ducks and decides to make conversation.
"What's your name?" he asks the first duck. "Huey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a great time. Been
in and out of puddles all day." The man says "oh. Good"
He then says to the second duck. "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey"
came the answer. "So how's your day been?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a
great time. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had another day,
I'd do it all over again"
So then the guy turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".
the duck replies "No. My name is Puddles and I've had a bloody awful day"
Brian

There were three girls who died in a car crash and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, they are told not to step on a duck or they will be punished for eternity. They look on thinking it won't be too hard, but much to their dismay, there are ducks EVERYWHERE! They step into heaven, and the first girl immediatly steps on a duck. She gets hand-cuffed to the ugliest man she had ever seen for eternity. The other two go a week happily in heaven, but then, the next girl steps on a duck. She is hand-cuffed to the second ugliest man they have ever seen, the first being the man that the first girl to step on a duck had been chained too. Well, another week goes by and the last girl has not stepped on a duck yet. As a reward, she is hand-cuffed to the most handsome man she had ever seen for eternity. She says aloud, "What did I do to deserve this?" The man in reply turns to her and says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

There were three girls: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. They were running from the cops, when they ran to a farm and hid, the cops closely on their trail.
The brunette hid with the ducks. The redhead hid with the cows. And the blonde hid with potatoes.
The cops looked in the ducks' pen and the brunette said, "Quack, quack, quack..."
The cops then looked into the cows' area and the redhead said, "Moooooo..."
Finally, the cops looked in the the potato patch and the blonde said, "Potatoooooo..."

Three men die and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter is standing at the gates of Heaven. He says, "Now you may enter Heaven. But you must promise not to step on any ducks." So they all promised not to step on any ducks. The gates of Heaven opened. To their horror the grounds are covered with ducks. After 5 minutes the first man stepped on a duck. Instantly St. Peter appeared and tied an ugly women to him and said, " For your punishment you are now bound together for all eternity. After 10 minutes the second man stepped on a duck, again, instantly St. Peter appeared with an even uglier women and again, ties them both together and condemns them for all eternity. The third man was terrified. He Took special precautions not to step on any ducks. If there is one thing he hates it's an ugly woman. On the one year Aniversary of his arrival St. Peter comes to him and leads him to a beach at sunset where he meets the most beautiful woman in the world. He says to St. more...

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending."
He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said,
"Looks like you've had a pretty good day.
Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and
handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of
the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum,
pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Was
hington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the
warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a
second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum,
pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an
Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting
license.
The warden took a third duck, conducted the more...