Drinking Jokes / Recent Jokes

Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on his mother, every time they hit a bump he had a baby brother!

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey motioned more...

Bar Joke
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
here!
The argument repeats itself until they are all drunk. Dave goes to the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder .
>>
Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's more...

The President of the United States has a Top Secret Mission of the utmost importance he needs done.
He's going over files from 3 different candidates and calls in the first one who is a Navy SEAL. On the Presidents desk is a 9mm pistol. The president says in the next room is your wife I want you to take the pistol and kill her. Navy SEAL takes the gun puts it back down on the desk and says sir I love my wife I'm sorry I cant do it and walks outs.
The President calls in the second candidate who is an Army Ranger. The president tells him that in the next room is his wife and that he want him to take the pistol and kill her. The Army Ranger gets up goes into the next room sees his wife and comes back out. He tells the President I cant do it I saw my wife and just couldnt do it cause I love her and he walks out.
Well the President calls in the last candidate who is a Marine Sniper. The President tells him that in the next room is his wife and that he wants him to take this more...

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve soda's and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

20 Easy Steps to Cook a Turkey
1. Go and buy a turkey.
2. Take a drink of whisky (scotch or bourbon).
3. Put turkey in the oven.
4. Take another two drinks of whisky.
5. Set the degree at 180 ovens.
6. Take three more whiskies of drink.
7. Turn oven the on.
8. Take four whisks of drinky.
9. Turk the bastey.
10. Whisky another bottle of get.
11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
12. Glass yourself a pour of whisky.
13. Bake the whisky for four hours.
14. Take the oven out of the turkey.
15. Take the oven out of the turkey.
16. Floor the turkey up off the pick.
17. Turk the carvey.
18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

One Saturday morning, Glen decided to go fishing.
He sat there for hours, but nothing. The bottle whiskey that he've took with him, was also empty. He throw the empty bottle into pieces against a nearby rock.
All of a sudden, there was something on the hook. He pulled the fish out of the water. The only fish for the day so far. The fish was so small, Glen decided to throw it back.
The little fish was so exited, to such an extend, that it decided to give Glen one wish.
He asked the little fish for some more whiskey. The fish said, "Allright then, when you're urinating, it will be pure whiskey."
So Glen sat there, and wonder, can this really be? Glen took a glass and urinate in it. It was pure, pure whiskey.
A while later, a women, who was standing nearby, comes to him and asks, "sir are you allright? I saw you drinking your own piss.
"No", said Glen, "it's whiskey."
The women laughed. He urinate into the glass, and gave more...