Crime Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day, a man was telling his co-worker that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits, he was just too afraid of all the crime and did not desire to risk being mugged just to get to work.
His co-worker asked him to reconsider, noting that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said, "Why I myself worked in Chicago for over 10 years, and in all that time I had no problem with crime."
The first asked, "What type of work did you do there?"
To which the other replied, "Oh, I rode as an armed security guard on a Brink's armored car."

The Inspector Generals of Police of the USA, the former USSR and India happened to be travelling together on an international flight. They exchanged notes regarding the efficiency and quickness of their respective police forces. The Russian IG claimed that they submit a report of a crime to their Home department within fourteen days.
The American IG went a step ahead and boasted that they did so within fourteen hours. The Indian IG of police who was listening to these tall claims with rapt attention gave a mysterious smile and said that they did things more efficiently in India. When questioned by his co-passengers he replied,' Our police in fact know a good fourteen days in advance about the nature, time and place of the crime that is yet to take place.'

The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.

I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a limo, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!

When I came home, I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.

My friend, he took me for a ride.
All through LA, from side to side.
From north to south, we took a ride.
But from the cops we could not hide.

My trial lasted for a year.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
The DNA, the HEM, the HAW!
The circus-hype the viewers saw!
A year! A year! Just sitting here!

Did you do this awful crime?
Did you do this anytime?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, more...

A report says that Internet crime went up 22% in 2009. It would have went up by 55%, but Craigslist was ruled an outlier.

A little old lady appearing before the judge on a murder charge was explaining the events that led up to the crime.
"Your Honor, I'm 85 years old. I was sitting out on my porch enjoying a beautiful Spring evening when a young man crept up and sat down beside me. He began to rub my thigh and it felt very good.
Then, Your Honor, he began to rub my poor, old breasts. My goodness, I hadn't felt that good in years so I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, take me, young man!"
The old woman continued, "Next thing I knew, the bastard yelled out "April Fool" and that, Your Honor, is when I shot the son of a bitch!"

Objective: To obtain a challenging position as a Crime Implementation Analyst (CIA)

Education:

* B. S. (Crime Technology) Tihar Jail, India, August 1994
* M. S. (Criminal Sciences) Virginia Prison for International Smugglers and the Unlawful Activists(VPISUA), August 1996.

Thesis:

"On escaping from high security prisons like Alcatraz with minimal efforts"

Coursework:

Cop Psychology, Plastic Explosives Technology, Bomb Controls and Timer Device Theory, International Smuggling and Drug Trafficking, Object Oriented Crime Design

Work Experience:

* Research Assistant, LTTE Labs, Jaffna, Aug 1990-Aug 1991
* Worked on the prestigious Belt Bomb project
* Developed instant death cyanide capsules in orange, strawberry and mint flavors (Patent# 007, 13, 666)

Summer Internship:

Dawood Ibrahim and Haji Mastan Associates, Bombay, June1987-July1990

* more...

A newly convicted man was nervous his first day in prison because his cellmate looked like a tough customer. "Don't worry," the gruff fellow said, "I'm in for a white-collar crime."

"Is that right?" the new con asked, relieved.

"Yeah," said the prisoner. "I killed a priest."