Convict Jokes / Recent Jokes

First Convict: I heard the Warden's daughter up and married a guy down on Cellblock D. The Warden's mighty upset about it too. Second Convict: Why? Because she married a con? First Convict: No. Because they eloped!

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up
a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.   As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,   "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.   Just cooperate with anything he wants.   If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.   Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved
you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a
really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you. ”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong more...

First Convict: I heard the Warden's daughter up and married a guy down on Cellblock D. The Warden's mighty upset about it too.
Second Convict: Why? Because she married a con?
First Convict: No. Because they eloped!

First Convict: I heard the Warden's daughter up and married a guy down on Cellblock D. The Warden's mighty upset about it too.Second Convict: Why? Because she married a con? First Convict: No. Because they eloped!

Three convicts being transported to prison were told they could each bring one thing with them to occupy themselves while behind bars.
On the bus, one turned to the other and asked, "What did you bring with you?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paint and said he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the Grandma Moses of Jail. Then he asked the first guy what he brought.
Grinning, the first guy replied, "I brought a deck of cards. I can play solitaire, gin, poker, all kinds of games."
The third convict sat quietly, grinning to himself. Seeing this, the two looked at him and asked, "Why do you look so smug? What did you bring?"
"I brought these," he said, as he pulled out a box of tampons.
Laughing, the other two asked, "What can you do with those."
He pointed to the box and said with a big grin, "According to the box, I can go horseback riding, rollerskating, swimming... "

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,
"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - more...