Clothing Jokes / Recent Jokes
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"
Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good. 2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season. 3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply more...
Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee''s application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage."
"Sir, the work is so much harder when you don''t know what you''re doing!" The applicant replied.
These are actual signs found around the world...
===================================
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?
At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
At an optometrist's more...
These are actual signs seen across the USA:
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.
In a florida maternity ward: No children allowed
In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a toy department: Five santa clauses, no waiting.
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personel
On a display of "You're my one and only" valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan
In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks
In a men's clothing store: 15 mens wool suits - $10.00. They won't last an hour!
On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.
In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No more...
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says' You can have anything you want!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!