Burn Jokes

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    Texas Chili Contest

    Hot 2 years ago

    Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
    Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The regular judge called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the two other judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the chili tasting, so I accepted.
    Here are the scorecards from the event:
    CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
    Judge #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge #2: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
    Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 3 beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    Judge #1: Smoky, with more...

    By Nicholas Petreley
    "Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
    "Capitan, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
    "Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
    "Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
    "Scotty, that's an order. "
    "Aye, Captain, but she's just not rready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
    "That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
    "We're on disk 5, sir."
    "Good. Spock?"
    "Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
    "Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the more...

    Cesium (Burning in the Dead of Night)
    (Tune, Blackbird)
    Cesium burning in the dead of night.
    Take your sky blue lines and start to shine.
    All my life,
    I was only waiting for the moment you were mine.
    Cesium burning on a lake of ice.
    Lift your glorious flame up to the skies.
    All your life,
    You were only waiting for some water to arise.
    Cesium burn.
    Cesium burn.
    Give your light to this coal black night.
    - Songs of Cesium #133

    Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
    The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, Jim, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as
    well as informative:
    Dear Dr. Laura:
    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
    the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
    specific laws and how to follow them.
    1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor more...

    Homelite Zip Start Vac Attack Blower:
    Do not point blower in direction of people or pets.
    (Wild animals are presumably okay?)
    Bono 527 Multi-Purpose Cement:
    Exposure may result in confusion.
    (Anyone who sniffs glue is more than confused)
    Bowl-Fresh Automatic Toilet Cleaning Tablets:
    Harmful if swallowed.
    (I know a kid who can put a whole orange in his mouth- but that's beside the point)
    Sunbeam Simple Press Iron:
    To prevent burn injury, keep hand away from heated area.
    (I had no idea intense heat could BURN you! Go figure!)
    Hungry Jack Lite Syrup:
    Caution: Syrup bottle may be hot.
    (After lengthy instructions on how to heat the bottle.)
    50 Water Balloons:
    This bag is not a toy.
    (Yes indeed, it's the real thing!)
    9 Piece Super Bouncers Bouncing Balls:
    This toy is a small ball.
    (Apparently that's a bad thing.)
    Tagamet HB2000:
    Do not take if you are allergic to Tagamet HB2000 or other acid more...

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