Branch Jokes / Recent Jokes
Bank Teller A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account". "Please sir", she replies, "we can't have language like that in here." "Why the Fuck not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I must ask you to refrain from swearing." "I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I just want to open a fucking checking account." With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "Shit yes", came the reply, "I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account." The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?" I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the more...
Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.""No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, more...
*LESSON NUMBER ONE*
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
*LESSON NUMBER TWO*
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he more...
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.' I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant,' but I haven't got the energy'.
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.' They're packed with nutrients'.
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
As you may already know, THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
And now, for this year's illustrious winner(s):.. drum roll... John
Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.
The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His more...
God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from sun up to sun down, carrying heavy bags on your back, you'll eat grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!
The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.
God created the dog and told him: You will look after the man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!
The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years.
God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years.
The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed.
Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational more...