Begin Jokes / Recent Jokes

What might've happened: Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the more...

To All Employees,
The following company policies are effective immediately:-
HOLIDAYS: Each employee is entitled to 104 holidays. These will be called Saturday and Sunday.
SICK DAYS: A doctor's sick note will no longer be accepted as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY: Operations are banned. As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. Do not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives and friends. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your day's tasks are more...

Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to explain the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best more...

A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time? ” “No, ” he replied. A whole lot of them begin with “If elected I promise…”

The group shared their favorites. Windows that crack or melt into a
slag heap. The MacIntosh IBM DOS emulator that, when fired up,
begins to put up a zippy MacIntosh screen, stops halfway down the
screen to declare, "Oops? Sorry. You wanted 1950s technology." It
then goes into command line mode. The supposed unused ROM hook in
the Mac that would have caused a monkey to dance across the screen
ONCE upon the 7698th (or whatever) boot of the machine. Insects
crawling around the screen.
As you read this, project programmers in ski-masks are already coding
up:
ELUSIVE MENU: When the mouse cursor enters such menus, the menus
dodge away while insulting the user with appropriate language and
gestures. Somebody informed us this is just like the Mac Bomb
program.
CRASHING WINDOWS: You begin to move a window. Suddenly it
accelerates out of your control up toward the corner of the screen.
When it reaches the corner, it more...

The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end more...

Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest
that you should get some rest.
You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
You say the same sentence over and over again not realizing that you
have said it before.
The Sun is too loud.
Trees begin chasing you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip
solution of espresso.
You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption
of coffee.
You can hear mimes.
You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
Things become "Very Clear".
You ask the Drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can
understand.
You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only
one in the more...