Attorney Jokes / Recent Jokes

What does a Gorilla attorney study? The Law of the jungle!

A Collection of Lawyer Jokes



An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the more...

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a more...

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian.
When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.
"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven (obviously not a family law lawyer), but was not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to Saint Peter, who told him his only course of action was to appeal. The lawyer immediately appealed and was told it would take 3 years to hear his appeal. The attorney protested that this was unconscionable, but to no avail.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil who told him that he could have the appeal heard within a few days if the lawyer would change the venue to Hell. When the lawyer asked why appeals were heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told "We have all the judges."

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

An family law attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."