One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that more...
# Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
# Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
# Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
# Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
# Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert more...
travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
have a much tighter turning cycle.
can take ramps at three times the speed of private cars.
don't need battery, oil, water or tyre pressures checking.
have floors shaped like an ashtray.
only burn petrol with the highest Green Shield stamp rate.
do not need garaging at night.
can be driven for up to 100 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
need cleaning less often, especially inside.
have stronger suspensions to carry concrete slabs or other heavy building materials.
are adapted to allow reverse gear to be engaged whilst the car is still moving forwards.
have improved tyre walls to allow bumping into and over high kerb stones.
have good adjustable radio volume controls to eliminate unusual and alarming engine noises.
don't need securing. They can be left anywhere unlocked and with the keys in the more...
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie.... Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat more...