"Sports Wisdom" joke

Florida State football coach Bill Peterson: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Mike Tyson, about writer Wallace Matthews: "He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."
Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
Tennis player Fred Perry: "McEnroe has got to sit down and work out where he stands."
Tennis player Virginia Wade: "Ann's got to take her nerve by the horns."
John McEnroe: "This [defeat] has taught me a lesson, but I'm not sure what it is."

John Kruk: "I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player."
Jim Wohford: "Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
Pitcher Joaquin Andujar: "There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is,' You never know.'"
Tug McGraw: "Always root for the winner. That way you won't be disappointed."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "In comparison, there's no comparison."
Sports writer Red Smith: "Ninety feet between bases is perhaps as close as man ever come to perfection."
An NC State player, when asked by a sportscaster to comment on his impressive opposite hand shot during a game reportedly said, "I've been amphibious for years."
Baseball player Mike Greenwell: "I'm a four-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."
Soccer player Paul Gascoigne: "I never make predictions and I never will."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame."
Baseball player Pete Incaviglia: "People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500, 000."
Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said:' Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games.'"
LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
David Coleman: "And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19-year-old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago."
David Coleman: "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs."
Murray Walker: "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite."
Bobby Robson, after playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought."
Ian Rush, on the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country."
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence, Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?" Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
Frank Bruno: "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost."
David Coleman: "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20, 000 people."
Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Ron Pickering: "Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running."
Murray Walker: "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9. 5 seconds in round numbers."
Jo Sheldon: "A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin."
Marlon Starling: "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right."
Terry Venables: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
John Snagge, commentator for a boat race between Oxford and Cambridge: "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge."
Tony Crozier: "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round."
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff you haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? After all, he spent three years in prison, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up to run at six o'clock every morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G. M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,' Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,' Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' "
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

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