A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson; "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
While I was watching a basketball game on TV last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Man, sometimes it is tough being married to a smart ass.
Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No...not really. I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I piss like a race horse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble taking a crap?" asked the 70-year-old.
"Well, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30 am."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old more...
Teacher: Why are you late to school?
Kevin: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Kevin: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Teacher to naughtiest boy in class: " Tell me; Ramu; why is the globe
flattened only at the Poles and not anywhere else? "
Ramu to the teacher: "I swear miss; I didn' t do anything. The globe was in the same Condition last year! "
Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think at least one of them would've seen it.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to suck your blood!! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan my money back now! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan idea you don't want to see me! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
It's not Ivan who, it's Ivanhoe! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan idea you know who it is! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan infectious disease!
Slam! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan U. Hat, do you like it? Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan enormous snake in my pocket!