Top Rated Jokes

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.


Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"


One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.


Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.


She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold........... on...... 889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator: more...

A woman was concerned that her prize-winning Schnauzer was going deaf. When she called him, he wouldn't come. When she took him out for a walk, he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So, she took him to the vet.
The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all," he said. "Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he's deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. This can be treated with a depilatory. I haven't any in stock, but you can buy some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. It will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and read over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his more...

Hi. I'm Mike. I'd like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (I'm your love slave) in the past few years. I'm talking about subliminal suggestion.
Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the the conscious mind can pick (you want me) up. Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8PM tonite) finds himself doing something that he ordinarily wouldn't do (bring clean sheets).
This technique was often seen being used (I'll get the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like "Buy the popcorn." (and the condoms). This one frame goes by so fast the the conscious mind can't possibly assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to act on it.
Does it more...

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce.
The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.
My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
"No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."

Your momma is so fat when she fell in the grand canyon she got stuck half way down.

Your Mamma's so fat, when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!