Top Rated Jokes

Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked. The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants." "What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?" "Met any Albigensians lately?"

Resentment is like letting someone live rent-free in your head.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked
the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as
he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He
hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to more...

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is
recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your
bed springs.
6 You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's
nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny
at the same time.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do. After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a question. "God," he said, "What is heaven like?" God replied, "Well, normally I don't tell people this, but since you are my servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!" The man looked pleased. "What is hell like?" he asked. "Well," he said with a sigh, "the French will be the mechanics; the Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers."

Snow in Goa

by
Udayan

A Punjabi Bibi (wife) goes on Vacation to Goa. There she meets a Big Black Dravidian Man from Malabar. Overawed by his musculature, she invites him to her bed that night. By the next morning the Aryan Bibi has had the best sex of her entire life. Impressed, she asks him his name. But he refuses to tell.

So she has intercourse with him every night without knowing his name. Finally after her 7th & last night she insists he tell her so she can remember forever.
So he finally reveals it, 'Panikkatti'.
'That's a nice name!' she says. 'What does it mean in Malabari languages, I mean Malayalam, Tulu or Niligiri ?'

He hesitates but then explains, 'It means Snow.'
At this the Begum (lady) bursts into laughter. The Shudra becomes angry and asks, 'Why are you laughing at me ?'
The Bibi replies, 'I'm not laughing at you, but at my Punjabi Shohar (husband). He will never believe me when I tell him I had One Foot of Snow every day in Goa !!!'