Top Rated Jokes

You mamma is soo fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out!

Newt Gingrich cautioned those who stand up for freedom of speech by saying we need to reexamine it. I agree. Can we shut this guy up?

The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream.
Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it.
Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth.
Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and I'll get a clear shot at the bear.
Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. more...

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.


Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"


One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.


Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.


She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

Two cats: Felix & Un-deux-trois, decided to have a race to see who could swim across the river first.Guess who won? Felix! Because Un-deux-trois cat sank.
(Un deux trois quatre cinq)

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah my old friend, I want you to make me a new Ark."
Noah replies, "No problem God, me old supreme being, anything you want after all you're the boss!"
But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other."
"20 DECKS!" screams Noah, "Well, ok, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well... sort of right. This time I just want you to fill it up with fish." God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. Well, I'll make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling, Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies, "OK, let me get this right. You want a new Ark?"
"Check."
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check."
"And you want more...