Top Rated Jokes

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The more...

There were 3 bees, a squirrel and a man in a car.They were driving along a country lane and the car broke down.

The first bee said, " dont worry ill give us a few extra miles by peeing in the tank",
it worked, for a couple of miles that is until they broke down again. And so the second bee decided to do the same as the first bee, but this lasted another couple of miles until they broke down again, so the third bee did exactly the same.Then finally the car broke down.

The squirrel said " I'll pee in the tank"

The man replied, sorry mate, this car only runs on BP.

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Editor's note: Sound it out if you don't get it. If you still don't get it, I wouldn't bother trying...

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold........... on...... 889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator: more...

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A woman was concerned that her prize-winning Schnauzer was going deaf. When she called him, he wouldn't come. When she took him out for a walk, he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So, she took him to the vet.
The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all," he said. "Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he's deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. This can be treated with a depilatory. I haven't any in stock, but you can buy some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. It will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and read over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his more...

Hi. I'm Mike. I'd like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (I'm your love slave) in the past few years. I'm talking about subliminal suggestion.
Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the the conscious mind can pick (you want me) up. Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8PM tonite) finds himself doing something that he ordinarily wouldn't do (bring clean sheets).
This technique was often seen being used (I'll get the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like "Buy the popcorn." (and the condoms). This one frame goes by so fast the the conscious mind can't possibly assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to act on it.
Does it more...

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce.
The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.
My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
"No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."