Top Rated Jokes

Your momma is so fat when she fell in the grand canyon she got stuck half way down.

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!" Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that... uh... that... uh..... thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again... "You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them." Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...! Anyone see where I left that scalpel? This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card? Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"! She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of more...

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she more...

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing more...

Your Mamma's so fat, when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!

Here is a little test that will help you decide

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
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Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have more...