Wife Jokes

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,' Hey, this looks like yours!'"

A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.

She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well, not exactly - it's her that suffers, not me."

I told my wife her belly was too big.
She said, "That's a bit below the belt."
"Exactly." I said.

A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.
"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."
"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"