Expect Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
    Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
    Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
    3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
    John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
    Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
    Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
    Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become MineAll Mine.
    Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
    Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.
    Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.
    3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney more...

    The Rules Guys Wished Girls Knew...
    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
    2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
    3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
    4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
    5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
    6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
    7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
    8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
    9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
    10. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
    11. Shopping is not sport.
    12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
    13. You have enough clothes.
    14. You have too many shoes.
    15. Crying more...

    Dec 25
    My dearest darling Edward,
    What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
    Your deeply loving,
    EmilyDec. 26
    Beloved Edward,
    The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
    With undying love, as always,
    EmilyDec. 27
    My darling Edward,
    You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
    Your devoted,
    EmilyDec. 28
    Dearest Edward,
    What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down more...

    Dec 25
    My dearest darling Edward,
    What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
    Your deeply loving,
    Emily
    Dec. 26
    Beloved Edward,
    The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
    With undying love, as always,
    Emily
    Dec. 27
    My darling Edward,
    You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
    Your devoted,
    Emily
    Dec. 28
    Dearest Edward,
    What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect more...

    1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear. 6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear more...

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