Alan Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    If Ida Lupino married George Wendt, then divorced him to marry Ted Danson, divorced him to marry Alan Alda, then divorced him to marry Ted Knight, and divorced him to marry Shelly Long, she'd be Ida Wendt Danson Alda Knight Long.
    If Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushing, she'd be Whoopi Cushing.
    If Swoosie Kurtz married Patrick Swayze, she'd be Swoosie Swayze.
    If Flip Wilson married Les Aucoin, he'd be Flip Aucoin.
    If Barbara Hershey married John Candy, divorced him to marry Roseanne Barr, she'd be Barbara Hershey Candy Barr.
    If Julie Emry married Jeff Gillooly, divorced him to marry Darlene Hooley, then divorced her to marry Wes Cooley, she'd be Julie Gillooly Hooley Cooley.
    If Ivana Trump married Neil Diamond, divorced him to marry Jack Nicklaus, then divorced him to marry John Darling, she'd be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus Darling.
    If Julie London married Beau Bridges, divorced him and married composer Manuel de Falla, then married Hugh Downs, she'd be Julie more...

    Alan and his wife, Debbie, are working in the garden. Debbie bends over to rip up weeds.
    'Wow, Debbie,' Alan says. 'Your butt is getting really wide.'
    'No, it's not!' Debbie says.
    Debbie walks towards the barbecue grill to throw the weeds in a trash can.
    'Your butt is getting so big that it's almost wider than the grill!' Alan says.
    He gets a tape measure and measures Debbie and the grill.
    'Ha,' Alan says. 'Your butt's the same exact size as the grill!'
    Debbie ignores Alan's comments and refuses to speak to him for three days. On the fourth night, they're lying in bed watching television.
    'I could sure use some lovin',' Alan says.
    Debbie looks over at him and yells, 'Don't think for one minute that I'm going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie!'

    Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk. When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1. 5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order. Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1. 5 gallons?"Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."

    This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:
    Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
    Don't let worry kill you-let the church help.
    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
    The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
    This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
    Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
    This being Easter Sunday, we more...

    Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

    One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

    Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

    The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

    Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

    Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, more...

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