Gloria Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    If you're easily offended (I mean VERY easily), don't read this.
    ***
    WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE... By Matt Groening (Creator of The Simpsons and Life in Hell)
    Deep Thoughts about Gender Differences
    SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
    MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
    MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
    Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter more...

    One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the watercooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?""Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and thenuse any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off yourdress and you'll have fantastic s*x!""What should I do?" asked Gloria.Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

    I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
    - Dolly Parton
    You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
    - Erica Jong
    I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
    - Rita Rudner
    I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
    - Roseanne
    My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives.
    - Rita Rudner
    I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
    - Susie Loucks
    This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
    - Judy Tenuta
    I've more...

    Just a little "back to school" humor!
    > These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original
    > spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas
    > Medical Branch @ Galveston...
    >
    > My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P. E. today.
    > Please execute him.
    >
    > Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had
    > her shot.
    >
    > Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28,
    > 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
    >
    > Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
    >
    > Please excuse Roland from P. E. for a few days. Yesterday he
    > fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
    >
    > John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of
    > his face.
    >
    > Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
    > He was hurt in the growing part.
    >
    > Megan could not come to school today because she has more...

    Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk. When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1. 5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order. Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1. 5 gallons?"Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."

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