Schlemiel Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak...
    "Father, I am going to marry!"
    His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila... "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"
    "O'Brien" replies the son... "She's Catholic..."
    "Oy!" says the father... "But are you happy?"
    "I'm happy," says the son.
    "Ok...as long as you're happy... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha.
    But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah...
    Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father... I too will be married soon!"
    Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises...
    "What is her name," implores the father?
    "Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox..."
    "Oy," says Moisha... "But are you more...

    I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
    - Dolly Parton
    You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
    - Erica Jong
    I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
    - Rita Rudner
    I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
    - Roseanne
    My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives.
    - Rita Rudner
    I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
    - Susie Loucks
    This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
    - Judy Tenuta
    I've more...

    You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -- Erica Jong
    My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -- Rita Rudner
    I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -- Dolly Parton
    I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -- Wendy Liebman
    Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. -- Erma Bombeck
    If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. -- Sue Grafton
    I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -- Sue Kolinsky
    I think -- therefore I'm single. -- Lizz Winstead
    "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Elayne Boosler
    "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." -- more...

    Words From Famous Women...
    "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton
    "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne
    "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner
    "He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant" - Carol
    Leifer
    "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman
    "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne
    "I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?" - Wendy Liebman
    "I think-therefore I'm single" - Lizz Winstead
    "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is more...

    Words From Famous Women. .. "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner "He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant" - CarolLeifer "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman "I'm not going to vacuum' til Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne "I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?" - Wendy Liebman "I think-therefore I'm single" - Lizz Winstead "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy more...

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