"Words from Women" joke
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives.
- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
- Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
- Judy Tenuta
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck
I'm not going to vacuum, 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?
- Wendy Liebman
I think - therefore I'm single.
- Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
- Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
- Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel."
- Bella Abzug
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage anda career."
- Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
- Gloria Steinem
Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then."
- Katharine Hepburn
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."
- Baroness Edith Summerskill
While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a more...
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you.... ..When Moses more...
An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a Welshman were all sitting in the pub having a beer, when the conversation ran dry.
The Englishman, trying to start it back up again, said, "Guys, I was born on the 23rd April, which is St George's Day, the Patron Saint of England, more...
Ole and Sven went fishing one summer and decided to rent a boat from the resort instead of fishing from the shore. They rowed out a ways and started to fish. They caught one fish after the other. Ole says to Sven, "I wish we could mark this spot. It’s the best fishing more...