Rudner Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
    - Dolly Parton
    You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
    - Erica Jong
    I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
    - Rita Rudner
    I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
    - Roseanne
    My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives.
    - Rita Rudner
    I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
    - Susie Loucks
    This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
    - Judy Tenuta
    I've more...

    1. I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb... and I also know that I’m not blonde. -Dolly Parton
    2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong
    3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner
    4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner
    5. I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman
    6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck
    7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing ‘em. -Sue Grafton
    8. I’m not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr
    9. I think, therefore I’m single. -Lizz more...

    1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton 2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong 3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner 4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner 5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman 6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck 7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing' em. -Sue Grafton 8. I'm not going to vacuum' til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr 9. I think, therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead

    You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner When women are depressed, they either eat or go more...

    You know what I did before I married?
    Anything I wanted to.
    - Henny Youngman
    The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
    - Ann Bancroft
    Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
    bridge. - Bill Cosby
    I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
    - Rita Rudner
    Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
    - Benjamin Franklin
    My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
    - Henny Youngman
    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
    - Rodney Dangerfield
    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
    - Milton Berle
    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    - George Burns
    What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    About 30 pounds. - more...

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