"You might be a Yankee if ..." joke
By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF: You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY! You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. You don't know what a moon pie is. You've never had an RC cola. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips. You have no idea what a polecat is. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. You don't have bangs. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus. You call binoculars opera glasses. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. You don't know what applique is. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i. e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al). You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one. You've never been to a craft show. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. You can do your laundry without quarters. None of your fur coats are homemade.
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a more...
A Yankee fan, a Met fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together on the subway when the lights go out and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.
When the subway car's lights come back on, Pamela Anderson and the Met more...
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on his mother, every time they hit a bump he had a baby brother!