Water Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.?
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.?
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. more...

General:
Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.

Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, and talks to God.

Lieutenant Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is as fast as a speeding b-b, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.

Major:
Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occassionally addressed by God.

Captain:
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can someimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggie-paddle, and talks to more...

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.The celery was like "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!"Then the carrot was like "You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!"Then the dick said "Ya, well I got it the worst.They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!"

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, " I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore".
Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me more...

Like other Chia products,a little water and seed and after 3 days it starts growing. The company had also product tested a Chia-Joe Biden, but had to nix the idea when after six months of a little water and seed, it did nothing.

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.
St. Peter goes to the nuns and says "I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin."
The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter. "I once touched a man's penis with this finger". St. Peter thought for a while and said. "I'm sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around." She did as she was instructed and "PING" she was in.
The second nun went to St. Peter and said, "I once touched a man's genitals with my entire right hand." Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, "I'm sure it was within your duties; Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in." The second nun did as she was instructed and more...

Twas the week before Christmas,
I was feeding a mouse,
fattening it up,
for our cats in the house.
The wife's stockings hung
on the shower with care,
The drain is clogged.
Probably big globs of hair.
The children were playing,
jumping on beds.
Bits of chewing gum
stuck on their heads.
Wife sneez'n in a kerchief;
me, I'm ready for a nap,
Her nerves quite unsettled,
we need a nightcap!
When out of the bathroom
there arose such a clatter!
The toilet a shaking!
Don't know what's the matter!
Away to the bathroom
I flew like a flash,
Tore open the closet,
then fell with a CRASH!
I'd slipped on a toy...
I do think... I don't know.
They were scattered about,
above and below.
Then the wife yelled,
"Are you Okay? Oooh, Dear?!
"I was going to tell you,
your tools disappeared.
"The kids, well, they flushed them,
tools, more...