Vice-president Jokes / Recent Jokes

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers." The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- Former U. S. President Calvin Coolidge"It's like deja more...

In the beginning was the Plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And darkness was upon the faces of the workers
And they spake unto their Group Heads, and sayeth:
"It is a crock, and it stinketh!"
And the Group Heads went unto their Section Heads, and sayeth:
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."
And the Section Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went to their Director, and sayeth unto him:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Director went unto his Vice-President, and sayeth:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Vice-President went unto the President, and sayeth unto more...

If you type these in from the csh (c shell): in Unix you really do get
these responses.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% got a light?
No match.
% sleep with me
bad character
% man: Why did you get a divorce?
man: Too many arguments.
% make 'heads or tails of all this'
Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.
% make sense
Make: Don't know how to make sense. Stop.
% make mistake
Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop.
% make bottle.open
Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop.
% (-
(-: Command not found.
% make light
Make: Don't know how to make light. Stop.
% date me
You are not superuser: date not set Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988
% man rear
No manual entry for rear.
% If I had a ) for every dollar Clinton spent, what would I have?
Too many )'s.
% * How would you describe Clinton
*: Ambiguous.
% more...

Great Thinkers of Our Time? Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would liveforever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not liveforever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over theworld, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like thatbut not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the samereactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discoveredother similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his more...

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- more...

Then there was the vice-president Then there was the vice-president who drank to the health of so many of his clients that he lost his own.

Great Thinkers of Our Time?
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering more...