Vacuum Jokes / Recent Jokes

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by Banta, carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning", said Banta. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, Banta wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

A little old lady answered her door only to be confronted by a young vacuum cleaner salesman.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door. "Don't be too hasty," he said, "not until you've seen my demonstration."
With that he emptied a bucket of dirt onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this dirt from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you're hungry, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a womans home in a rural area."This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor. The woman says shes really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesnt remove all the dust completely, Ill lick it off myself.""Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "were not connected for electricity yet!"

Lights not burning too bright. Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top. Like a loose-leaf folder in winter. Like a one-armed man climbing a rope. Likes dunking for french fries. Little red choo-choo's gone chugging' round the bend / jumped the track. Lives in La-la-land. Lives in the same world, but a different universe. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. Long on dry wall, short on studs. Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room. Looks for the "Any" key. Loose chip on the microprocessor board. Loose wire to his headset/ringer. Low on thinking gas. Low-bandwidth as an information source. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps. Made a career out of mid-life crisis. Mainspring's wound too tight. Makes a black hole look bright. Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good. Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written. Mental software is Version 1. 0 / still in beta test. Mentally qualified for handicapped parking. Metronome needs oil. Might still be more...

Seen in the latest copy of Windows Sources Magazine
Reprinted without their permission.
To: Windows R & D
From: Bill Gates
Re: Lack of progress in extending Windows interface to noncomputer environments
I am quite concerned about your recent report detailing what you call problems in extending the Windows interface to products other than computers. The growth of Microsoft is dependent on our ability to extend Windows to every aspect of business, home, and society. After all, we all own MS stock, and if you want to become a billionaire, too, you will, I'm sure, learn to minimize the effects of what others call reality and laws of physics. Here's some feedback on the first wave of Windows-ready products.
WINDOWS TOASTER:
This is one of the few products on which we have any agreement. You agree that tapping on a minimize arrow will lower the bread into the toaster and that tapping a maximize arrow will make the slices pop out again. But you complain that you more...

1.) That in school, getting a zero for a grade seems better than getting a 20 or a 30.
2.) That when you are hungry, you look in the refrigerator constantly, even though you know there's nothing to eat in there.
3.) That ketchup has TONS of sugar? What's up with that?
4.) That when you vacuum and there's a piece of lint or something on the floor that's too big to suck up with the vacuum cleaner, instead of picking it up, you just sit there rolling the vacuum over and over it hoping it will suck it up??
5.) That when you think of something funny and someone else says,"What's so funny?" You say,"It's a long story" when really it isn't?