Training Jokes / Recent Jokes

And for those of us who are sick of the man-bashing jokes, it's her turn now:
Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or more...

Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a "traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving features.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers. All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FRIENDS?
If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where you've lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who Cares(tm) about the quality of all your Friendships.
HOW more...

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddyback road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" askedthe lieutenant as he pulled alongside."Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him thekeys, "*Yours* is."

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers." I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"After a few minutes, one of the men stopped." Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer." If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it."

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him. The referee will always be looking the other way when you score. You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class. The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick. The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques. If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer. After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat. After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam. (Ask Mr. Hurst about a similar experience!) In an otherwise vacant locker toom, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours. No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom more...

Beckham went into training one day and saw Owen with a thermo-flask. He asked him what it was for and Owen said "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold".
The next day Beckham came into training with a thrmo-flask. So Owen asked him what he had in it. He said "well you said it kept hot things hot, and cold things cold so Posh told me to put in some coffee and enough choc-ices for the lads but when I looked into the thermo-flask, when I got here, the choc-ices had melted!"