Division Jokes

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    Real Dilbert Quotes

    Hot 2 years ago

    A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
    1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
    2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
    3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
    4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
    5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
    6. more...

    "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
    Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
    My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
    "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
    We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo more...

    Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go more...

    "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
    (CIO of Dell Computers)Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
    (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
    (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
    (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo more...

    During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across
    the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing
    along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The
    commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run
    up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the
    advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general
    stops the troops and waits to see what happens.
    Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to
    investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be
    seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find
    out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune,
    too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entire
    division to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.
    But just then, the first more...

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