Training Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Real Dilbert Quotes

    Hot 4 years ago

    A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
    1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
    2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
    3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
    4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
    5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
    6. more...

    Hot 4 years ago

    to: ALL staff
    from: Office of Superintendant
    re: "Teacher In Service Training" schedule (TITS)
    In accordance with recent changes in the State Education Law, our district is now required to supply bigger and better TITS for each employee.
    We are therefore, pleased to announce the implementation of the Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). It is our intention to give each member of the staff as much SHIT as possible. Advancement, salary increases and job changes will be dependent on the amount of SHIT you have taken.
    Employees who feel they have taken as much SHIT as they can may apply to the School Council for Review of Educational Welfare (SCREW).
    All employees are expected to be SCREW'd at least annually.
    If you have taken SHIT and have been SCREW'd within the past academic year, you will be eligible to receive a Self Help Award for Teachers (SHAFT). Any employee who has been given the SHAFT will not be expected to take as much SHIT the more...

    This is Finland

    Hot 3 years ago

    +15°C / 59°F
    This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
    People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
    The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.
    +10°C / 50°F
    The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
    The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
    +5°C / 41°F
    Italian cars won't start,
    The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.
    0°C / 32°F
    Distilled water freezes.
    The water in Vantaa river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.
    -5°C / 23°F
    People in California almost freeze to death.
    The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.
    -10°C / 14°F
    The Brits start the heat in their houses.
    The Finns start using long sleeves.
    -20°C / -4°F
    The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
    The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations.
    Autumn is here.
    -30°C / -22°F
    People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
    The Finns start drying their more...

    A Microsoft software engineer went through Army basic training. One day they are out on the firing range, and the Microsoft software engineer was having a heck of a time hitting the target downrange.
    Shot after shot rang out, and the reports from downrange kept coming back a miss. Finally, the Microsoft software engineer stood up, stuck his finger in the end of the barrel and pulled the trigger. This of course had the effect of blowing his digit clean off.
    Grimacing through his pain, the Microsoft software engineer yelled down to the target pit 'Well, it is leaving this end just fine, the problem must be on your end!'

    From: Management
    To: All Employees
    Subject: Special High Intensity Training
    In order to assure the highest levels of quality in the work and productivity
    from our employees, it will now be our policy to regularly train everyone
    through our longstanding program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
    We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than other offices. If you
    feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your
    supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list.
    As you know, our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
    the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take S.H.I.T. will be placed in
    the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who
    fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to attend the supplemantal
    program, EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your supervisors
    took more...

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