Thomas Jokes / Recent Jokes

Oral Sex Oral Argument Will the justices know it when they see it?

'But Ginsburg suggested Lewinsky may say she and Clinton engaged in an act other than intercourse.' What's the president's definition of sex?' he asked in an interview minutes after Clinton's statement.'

--USA Today, Jan. 27, 1998

Justice O'Connor: I am trying to get my mind around this theory, Counselor.

Mr. Bennett: Yes, Your Honor.

Justice O'Connor: You say it was not sex? Though the affidavit and counsel all attest that she. .. did as the affidavit attests?

Mr. Bennett: Your honor, we are proposing that not everything that looks like sex is sex and that some things that do not look like sex are in fact sex. To me, ministering to a person's toes in a particular way does not look like sex, but I am reliably told it is sex. On the other hand, say you visit your doctor and your doctor fingers your anatomy, to find lumps or sores or whatever. That's not more...

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't getit up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I cando."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off yourclothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Liedown please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said."Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the more...

E-Mail Screw-ups.
Many Universities, colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the begining or end to make up an e-mail address, i.e. Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses (probably not funny to the individual involved).
Some examples follow:
Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University)
[email protected]
Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University)
[email protected]
George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
[email protected]
Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
[email protected]
Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)
[email protected]
Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home more...

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so
much time in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

10. Helen Thomas Eatons, of Duke University - [email protected]
9. Mary Ellen Dickinson, of Indiana University of Pennsylvania - [email protected]
8. Francis Kevin Kissinger, of Las Verdes University - [email protected]
7. Amanda Sue Pickering, of Purdue University - [email protected]
6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger, of Ball State University - [email protected]
5. Bradley Thomas Kissering, of Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton, Canada - [email protected]
4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock, of Toys "R" Us - [email protected]
3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins, of Fresno University - [email protected]
2. George David Blowmer, of Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc. - [email protected]
1. Barbara Joan Beeranger, of Myplace Home Decorating - [email protected]

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm
gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll
know what to do with.
- Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane,
son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
- Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
or your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my more...