Thomas Jokes / Recent Jokes

Can't Spell
Thomas Lee Jones, 24, was arrested last September for robbing a Santa Barbara restaurant with a note threatening "to shot" employees. Police set up a roadblock asking people to spell "shoot". They soon apprehended Jones.
Can't Count
In Cranston, R.I., Donald M. Thomas, 34, escaped in March after serving 89 days of a 90-day jail sentence for disorderly conduct and thus now faces up to 20 years in prison.
Lawry Adams, 27, was arrested in Harrison, N.Y., in Jan. when he was stopped in a routine traffic check and could not produce a driver's license. He gave his brother's name (which he was unable to spell) and his brother's date of birth (but was not able to give the age that corresponds to it).

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some more...

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't getit up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I cando."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off yourclothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Liedown please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said."Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

E-Mail Screw-ups.
Many Universities, colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the begining or end to make up an e-mail address, i.e. Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses (probably not funny to the individual involved).
Some examples follow:
Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University)
Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University)
George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)
Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home more...

Famous Peoples' Conjectures
On Why the Chicken Crossed the Road
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a
hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.
Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.
TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an
uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we
needed the eggs.
Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter more...

Interviewer: Sir Thomas, have you ever conducted Schoenberg?
Sir Thomas Beecham: No, but I trod in some once.
[The following was probably written by a violinist]
A princess was walking through her garden one day when she sees a frog sitting on a lily pad. As she gets closer she realises, to her amazement, that it is talking to her.
"Princess, princess, please help me. A wicked witch turned me into a frog - I used to be a musician - I played beautiful music in a great orchestra. If you kiss me I can become human and play music again."
The princess said, "Oh how sad, of course I'll help you. By the way, what instrument did you play?"
The frog replied, "I used to play the viola."
"Ah" said the princess. "You know, I think you could have a great future as a talking frog."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thomas who?
Thomas happy fella!