Thomas Jokes / Recent Jokes

J. HOMAS, an old Syrian Christian friend though a Keralite, spoke fluent Tamil and was somewhat of windbag. We decided to spend a week end at a hill resort. The clerk at reception desk of the hotel where we had booked ourselves asked us to fill in the register with our names, nationalities, dates of birth, last place of resid­ence etc. I had no problem filling in what was required of him. When it came to Thomas' turn, he asked what the item home address meant. "The place where you were born and lived, sir," replied the clerk. Thomas confused the poor clerk with his biodata. "I was born in Cochin, brought up in Trivandrum; we moved to Ernakulam. I live in Madras but my real home is Vazhoor in Kerala. What shall I enter in the register?"
Not to be outdone, the clerk retorted "let's make it simple. If: you were to die this minute, where would you wish to have your remains sent?"
"Oh that!" remarked Thomas triumphantly, "the Vale of more...

Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish." The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want the m both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the more...

Melbourne, Australia
Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down - - and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: "Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God."

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. "The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, more...

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't getit up for my wife anymore." Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I cando." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off yourclothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Liedown please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said." Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

A little Thomas comes home from his first day at school.
His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
Little Thomas replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Ulaiy (A-lie). After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones.
Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!", he said enthusiastically.
"Why are you going to have that?" asked his friend. "Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see... 'Here Lies The Body of an Honest Lawyer', they'll say "Yeah, that's Ulaiy".