Ted Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Freudian Slip Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought the train tickets to go see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a little funny. John said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take a few more sips of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying something he didnít mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said thereís a name for that isnít there... you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you are trying to say something. Yea, says John, itís called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it said Ted, I couldnít think of the word. Why are you asking said John? Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets for Pittsburg, and the girl selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the money and laid it on the counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had to embarrassingly say I mean two tickets to more...

(Hi guys, I received these jokes from a friend. May be a little outdated but still enjoyable.)
1) When Paula Barbieri signed up for MCI friends and family, what was the first number she gave?
- "911"
2) What was the best selling Halloween Costume the previuos year?
- An O. J. Simpson costume.
Why are stores refusing to carry it?
- They are always returned because the gloves don't fit.
3) Who's the dumbest person in America?
- OJ's next girlfriend!
4) The Florida Orange Growers Association has offered to pay all of OJ's legal bills on one
condition.
- He has to change his name to snapple.
5) Why did OJ's kids want to live with their dad?
- They knew they could get away with murder.
6) Where was Kato Kalin between 9 and 12?
- In the fourth grade.
7) What did Johnny Cochran say when accused of beating his wife?
- At least I didn't kill her like some people I know.
8) It seems that Bob more...

Ted: Last night my computer died. Ned: What did it die of? Ted: A
terminal illness

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story.

Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto theroad."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story.

Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy more...

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn’t find his ball once he’d hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.
Joe said, “But Ted is 80 years old and half senile! ”
His wife replied, “Yes, but his eyesight is incredible. ”
Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, “Do you see it? ”
Ted nodded his head and said, “Boy, that was a beautiful shot! ”
Joe excitedly asked, “Well, where did it land?! ”
Ted said, “Hmmm. I forget. ”

: Utility companies tend to serve their clientele as regional monopolies. A similar system is used by drug gangs and Mafia families, but with better customer service.

Emphasis is not a substitute for reasoned argument -- Jesse Jackson, please take note.

Hunger is the best sauce -- but a nice curry comes close.

I do not look to rock musicians for moral and spiritual guidance for the same reason that I do not look to clergymen for three chords and a 4/4 beat.

The German government recently announced that, fifty-two years after the end of World War II, it would try to cut off pensions to Nazi war criminals. Boy, it's all in the timing, isn't it?

Dennis Rodman has said that he wants to play his last NBA game completely naked. I just hope he doesn't do much dribbling.

I did on one occasion commit free verse, but it was ruled justifiable and I was acquitted.

There is no right answer when a woman asks you "Do I more...

Ted said to his friend,' can you lend me $10?'' But I only have $8,' his friend replied. That's OK, you can always owe me the other $2!