Roof Jokes / Recent Jokes

Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house There were empties and butts Left around by some louse. And the best quart I'd hid By the chimney with care Had been swiped by some creep Who'd discovered it there!
Our hung-over guests Had been poured into bed (They'll wake in the morn With a God-awful head) My tongue, cotton-coated, Hung down to my belt And only the seasick Could know how I felt!
My wife - she had long ago Gone up to bed While visions of Redskins Danced in her head. And I in the parlor Sat all alone, I'd unplugged the cat And put out the phone.
Just then, through a window Came noise and smells Like an overturned beer truck And tinkle of bells! I sprang from my chair To see what was the matter To see what was causing The smell and the clatter.
When what to my wondering Eyes did appear But eight drunken reindeer And sled full of beer! With a little old driver, Nose red as a brick, I knew it was Santa As tight as a tick!
Weaving upward and more...

Steve, who lived with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed.
His friend immediately wired him with the message, "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told, "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"Appearance: You are at your computer writing more...

A rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," she asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor. His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle, And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle. His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care, And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys. There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11; Dud goin' on 10; Otis was
7. John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3: The twins were both girls So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt, Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk. They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall. There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll! The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw." Maw was expecting And needed her sleep, So out they crept out the door without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then they all spit. The young'uns more...

The revered Mr. Yu had to move his bed several times during the night as the rain began leaking in after a prolonged spell of wet weather. Seeing that everything in the room was thoroughly soaked, his wife and children directed their bitter complaint against him. The next morning he lost no time in sending for a tiller who took considerable trouble in repairing the leaky roof. Soon after the repairs were done, one fine and sunny day succeeded another for a whole month. Morning and evening, he would look up at the roof and sigh: "It is just my hapless fate. No more rain right after I've got my roof fixed. What a waste of money!"

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.
They more...