Bathing Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    c/o Mattel, Inc.
    El Segundo, CA 90245
    To: Santa Claus
    North Pole, North Pole
    Dear Santa:
    Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list!
    1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear more...

    Q: Why do Punjabans usually bathe with an open door?
    A: So nobody can peep at them through the key-hole!

    1. You could care less who Britney Spears is sleeping with.
    2. You understand the differences between 27 brands of imported chardonnay.
    3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
    4. You know someone who was in the emergency room with Richard Gere the gerbil.
    5. You understand the immense importance of quality lighting.
    6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of a baseball field and still spot a toupee.
    7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
    8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
    9. You really have "been there, done that."
    10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends.
    11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
    12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your house.
    13. You can have naked men you don't know at your house.
    14. You know how to handle more...

    A blonde was spending most of her vacation sunbathing on the hotel roof. The first day she wore a bathing suit. However, on the second day she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of it to get an even tan.
    She had hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. Since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.
    "Excuse me miss," said the out of breath, flustered assistant manager of the hotel. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would appreciate it if you would wear a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"
    "What difference does it make?" she calmly asked. "No one can see me up here and besides, I am covered with a towel."
    "Not exactly, miss," replied the embarrassed man. "You happen to be lying on the dining room skylight!"

    A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.
    1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
    1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.
    1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.
    1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.
    1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn more...

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