Bathing Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Barbie
    c/o Mattel, Inc.
    El Segundo, CA 90245
    To: Santa Claus
    North Pole, North Pole
    Dear Santa:
    Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list!
    1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear more...

    Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

    Joan, the well proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her
    vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
    the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see
    her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
    She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She
    was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
    "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the
    hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. " The Hilton
    doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we'd appreciate your
    wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
    "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. " No one
    can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
    "Not exactly," said the embarrassed gentleman. "You're lying on the
    dining room skylight."

    A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.
    1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
    1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.
    1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.
    1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.
    1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn more...

    A rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
    She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
    "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
    "What difference does it make," she asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
    "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

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