Require Jokes / Recent Jokes

Any project will require at least two trips to the hardware store.
If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong color is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.
You always need more paint
You never have enough nails, screws, glue, or other fasteners
The probability that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project. (see Law #6)
Corollary: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to fix the broken pipe.
To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. A one hour task will take two days to complete.

MICROSOFT:' If G.M. had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got one-thousand miles to the gallon.'

GENERAL MOTORS:' Perhaps, but if G.M. had developed technology the same way Microsoft has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. You would just accept this, repair the damage and drive on.

2. Every time the lines were repainted on the road, you would have to buy a new car. You would accept this too.

3. Occasionally, but most often during rush-hour or when you are running late, your car would just die on the freeway for no apparent reason. Again, you would just accept this, re-start, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a normal maneuver, such as a left turn, will cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart. In such cases you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. more...

Modern Travel: To promote airline safety, a proposed FAA rule would
require that every suitcase checked on a US flight be on the same
plane as its owner. "That means that even though you want to fly to
Orlando at 9am, you may end up on the 10pm plane to Boise." (Jerry
Perisho)
Major airlines oppose the plan. "They are even against a less stringent
rule that would require luggage and owners to be in the same country."

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase,' Hey, Moe!' Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard of "The Three Stoogies " who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and that diploma from a small Caribbean Island is very fresh.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only more...

The Direct Approach Description: You just say it. Examples - 1. "I got my period today." (The simple version) 2. "I got my period today so we can't have sex tonight." (The "let there be no doubt" version) 3. "Honey, I'm bleeding." (The gross version) Benefits: Fast, simple, gets the message across. Amusing results can be achieved when the timing is right. Such as when you're in a public place or eating dinner. More amusing results can be achieved when you're eating dinner with his parents. The best results, of course, will be achieved when you're eating dinner with his parents in a public place. Cautions: May freak out some men, if you're unsure about the nature of the relationship you're in but would rather not find out at this stage - go for an alternative approach. Sometimes best to keep until the last minute, like when he can't tell you to go home. Will give away the fact that you regard it as an issue (that is, if you regard it as an issue) more...

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.Then God said, "Let there be light."Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." more...

Here is a true story regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.

The following dialogue ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale."

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the more...