Different Jokes

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    Morbid Girl Joke

    Hot 1 year ago

    There once was a very morbid girl who had three different boyfriends. She also had a home with three different closets. One of the closets contained old panties, another contained old bras, but the nastiest of all was a storage for used tampons.
    One day, she took one of her boyfriends into the closet with all of the old panties, had sex with him, and suddenly locked him in the closet. She left him in the closet screaming for two weeks before he died of thirst and hunger. She did the same with another boyfriend, except this time in the closet with all of the old bras.
    It was all going to be a routine for her to do this to the third boyfriend in the closet with the old tampons. However, when she returned a month later to make a deposit to her stash, she found the man alive and well in her closet.
    With utter amazement and dismay, no doubt, she asked " How in thee FUCK are you still alive??!!"
    The boyfriend cheerily replied " I couldn't have survived if more...

    A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a trendy part of the city.
    Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor's office door would, in some way, be representative of his practice.
    So, when construction was complete, the eye doctor's door had a peep hole, the orthopedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's door was painted all kinds of crazy colours and the proctologist's door was left open - just a crack.

    Q: How many SAS

    Hot 7 years ago

    Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its more...

    Adam and Eve

    Hot 7 years ago

    The Lord decided it was time to make a companion for Adam.

    He summoned St. Peter and told him of His decision.

    He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure.

    The Lord said He would call this being woman. So St. Peter went about creating this being, which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.

    'Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job', said The Lord

    'Thank You, O Great One, I live but to serve.' replied St. Peter.' I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this..... .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter Lord.'

    'You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more more...

    Microsoft announced plans to open retail stores, hoping to boost visibility of many of its products and its brand. The move seems to be an effort to mimic the success that Apple has had with its retail stores. The news is just too tempting not to have some fun with. So here are some yet-to-be-officially-revealed details about the Microsoft stores.

    1) Instead of Apple's sheer walls of glass, Microsoft's stores will have brushed steel walls dotted with holes -- reminiscent of Windows security.

    2) The store will have six different entrances: Starter, Basic, Premium, Professional, Enterprise, and Ultimate. While all six doors will lead into the same store, the Ultimate door requires a fee of $100 for no apparent reason.

    3) Instead of a "Genius Bar" (as Apple provides) Microsoft will offer an Excuse Bar. It will be staffed by Microsofties trained in the art of evading questions, directing you to complicated and obscure fixes, and explaining it's a more...

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