Require Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    No sword!

    Hot 6 years ago

    At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
    Proctor: I beg your pardon?
    Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
    Proctor: Sorry, no.
    Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
    At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
    Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

    HMO Q&A

    Hot 7 years ago

    Q. What does HMO stand for?
    A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

    Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
    A. No. Only those you need.

    Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
    A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the more...

    A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT". When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
    A modem won't say a word if you come home late. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone. A modem doesn't gripe if you sit and play with the computer all night long.
    You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
    A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem. A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
    You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
    Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

    Any project will require at least two trips to the hardware store.
    If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong color is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.
    You always need more paint
    You never have enough nails, screws, glue, or other fasteners
    The probability that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project. (see Law #6)
    Corollary: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to fix the broken pipe.
    To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. A one hour task will take two days to complete.

    Modern Travel: To promote airline safety, a proposed FAA rule would
    require that every suitcase checked on a US flight be on the same
    plane as its owner. "That means that even though you want to fly to
    Orlando at 9am, you may end up on the 10pm plane to Boise." (Jerry
    Major airlines oppose the plan. "They are even against a less stringent
    rule that would require luggage and owners to be in the same country."

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