Quotes Jokes / Recent Jokes

Minds are like parachutes.they only work when they're open
Money is like a promise, easier made then kept

Tonight on the 6:00 news, a recent poll by "USA Today" showed that 9 out of 10 people said that out of 10 people, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9!

Signs you've had too much of the' 90s Part II

21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five perma

Sayings you'd like to see on office inspirational posters

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If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....

2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

If at first you don't succeed - try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder you slaves!

The beatings will continue more...

The teacher was giving her students a quiz on notable quotes and told them that the first student to identify who said it, would be able to leave for the day.
She first began with, "This was England's finest hour."
Mary quickly jumped up and answered, "Winston Churchill." "Correct, Mary, you may go home now," said the teacher.
Next, she said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could quite finish, another girl yelled out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good," commented the teacher. "You may go home now."
Annoyed that he hadn't been quick enough, little Johnny blurted out, "I wish these girls would just shut up."
Hearing this, the outraged teacher demanded to know who say it.
Johnny immediately sprank to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. See you Monday!"

Top 22 signs you've had too much of the 90's

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12.

Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's' Cheers')
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' Can I draw you a beer, Norm? '
' No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.'

' How's a beer sound, Norm?'
' I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.'

' What's shaking, Norm?'
' All four cheeks and a couple of chins.'

' What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?'
' Going Down?'

' What's new, Normie?'
' Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're
demanding beer.'

' What'll it be, Normie?'
' Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.'

' What would you say to a beer, Normie?'
' Daddy wuvs you.'

' What'd you like, Normie?'
' A reason to live. Give me another beer.'

' What'll you have, Normie?'
' Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a
glass of whatever comes out more...