Paws Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.


2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws more...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn’t buy a kitten and
parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.
‘You’re getting your Christmas present a week early this year, ’ her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. ‘Is that what you want? ’
The little girl said, ‘It’s wonderful, mother… just what I wanted. There’s just one thing wrong! ’
‘What’s that? ’ her mother asked.
‘Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws! ’
Her mother smiled. ‘Don’t worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning you’ll find the claws are there. ’
Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days more...

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill

One day a polar bear walks into a bar. The bar tender asks him,
"What would you like today sir?"
After 30 seconds or so the polar bear answers
" A beer please"
The bar tender replies,
"Why the big paws/pause?"
(GET IT??? PAWS AND PAUSE!!)

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.' You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year,' her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten.' Is that what you want?' The little girl said,' It's wonderful, mother...just what I wanted. There's just one thing wrong!'' What's that?' her mother asked.' Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!' Her mother smiled.' Don't worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there.' Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worrie d about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn't even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of more...