Pad Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes more...

Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"
The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen.
"I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands.
Then, moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.
"Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which read: "GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!!"

There was this village lost in the depth of the Kumaon hills. No one visited it and none of its inhabitants had gone out to see what the rest of the world looked like. Then suddenly one villager won a lottery which gave him a free ticket to see three big cities of India. The entire village was agog with excitement. They gave their co-villager a pen and a pad and said, "You make a note of whatever you see in everyone of the three cities you visit and come and tell us about it when you return."
The lucky villager was first taken to Delhi and shown the Kutub Minar. In his pad he noted down "Kutub Minar". The next city he went to was Jaipur. There he saw many camels and faithfully recorded "camel". The third city was Ahmedabad where he saw lots of donkeys. He recorded "donkey". When he returned to his village, he told everyone of the wonderful things he had seen. Some months later a camel strayed into the village. They ran to the man who had more...

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show A window was something you hated to clean.... And ram was the cousin of a goat..... Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was something you did on stage for money Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2' floppy You hoped nobody found out Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's more...

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.

To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.

I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.

As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:

"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT' OUT OF IT."'